Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Nice pumpkins!
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Go to BabaMail
