What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
You're so clover!
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
I couldn't chair less!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
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