Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.

When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

You mermaid to go far.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.

One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.

What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.

What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”

What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!

You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.

What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.

The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.

My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.

Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.

Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”

My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!

It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.

Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”

I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.

What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.

“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen

I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.

“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson

Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.

Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.