"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
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