What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
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