You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Go to BabaMail
