Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
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