Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it

I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.

What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.

We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.

How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!

“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”

What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.

What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.

Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.

Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.

My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."

My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.

What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!

If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.

Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.

My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.

“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs

It’s raining cats and dogs outside.

I think I just stepped in a poodle.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.

If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.

What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.

How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.

Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan

Sleigh, what?!

What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.

Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?

To keep each udder dry.

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

- Douglas Adams.

What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”

What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.