My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
I only have ice for you.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"Here for the right riesling."
Poor white splash.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
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