I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Stay true to your shelf.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I feel tail great!
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Want to lock our bikes together?
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
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