You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Having a ball
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
How hot does your gas oven get?
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