How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
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