Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Let’s list the froze and cons.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
She has high elf-esteem.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
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