What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
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