Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
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