Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Sips getting real.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
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