How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
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