Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
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