What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
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