Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?

“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”

Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin

Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.

How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t

Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.

Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.

How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?

Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."

Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.

I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.

What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.

Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”

Her: Huh?

Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.

Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.

Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

Don’t go bacon my heart.

Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.

What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.

Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.

Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.

Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.

“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”

What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”

When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."

What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.

Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.

What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.