Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Girls just wanna have sun!
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Nice life preservers.
Icy what you did there.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
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