I want to stick to you like glucose.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
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