What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Yoda one for me!
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
The ocean made me salty.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
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