My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I Wanna Be Your Man
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
I bet you’re really flexible.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
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