Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I’m elf-taught.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
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