The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
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