Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
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