You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
You're hotter than a data center!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
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