Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
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