What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
In on the ground flora.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
"I'm nuts about you."
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
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