What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
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