"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
One more thyme.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Can I claim your baggage?
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
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