Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
You’re my lucky charm.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
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