I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
I think we need to become better strangers.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
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