What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Life is better when we stick together.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
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