What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
You’re brew-tiful!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
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