Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
"Time wounds all heels."
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
You seem a little mer-mad.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
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