Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
It’s worth a shot.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Get in the swim this summer.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
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