The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
All you need is MY love
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
"Alcohol you later."
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
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