"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Go to BabaMail
