Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
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