I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.

I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.

Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.

What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.

Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!

I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.

What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.

We need to cover more ground so we should split up.

You smell... We should go take a shower together.

What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

For you, I would slay two Goliaths.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.

How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!

"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."

I have the final sleigh.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.

I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.

What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!

Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?

Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason

"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu

A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens

“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.

I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.

What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!

Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.

Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis

I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it

Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.