What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
Long time no sea.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Wanna churn butter with me?
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
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