Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I love you dairy much.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
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