The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Rebel without a Claus.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
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