The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
I want you for no raisin.
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