You are my butter-half!
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
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