What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.

Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.

"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry

Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.

“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown

I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.

"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.

What do you say you poke-check me real quick?

What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!

Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.

Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.

Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.

I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.

Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”

- Nate Smith.

Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.

I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''

Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''

''Open the bloody bag!''

What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.

What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.

There’s snow one like you.

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield

What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.

When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?

What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.

What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!

Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"