"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
You're one in a melon.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
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