Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
I love when you coddle me.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
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