I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
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