I’m feelin’ green.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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