What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
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