What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
I less than three you.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
I think we're mint to be!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Go to BabaMail
