What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!

The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.

Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!

What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.

Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.

You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law

"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy

What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!

I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.

Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.

Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.

The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.

What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.

The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.

Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.

"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.

What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!

Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.

Can you drive my car?

Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.

If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?

Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.

Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?

What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.

Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.

A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!

How does a suit put his child into bed?

He tux him in.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.

What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!

What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.

What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.

Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”

The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.

Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.