Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Except the direction I'm walking in.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
That was thaw-some!
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
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