Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Poor white splash.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
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