Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Nice pumpkins!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
I dreamt about you. You died.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
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