How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'

Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.

What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.

Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?

Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning

The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!

What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.

What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.

What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key

What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!

Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.

What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.

You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.

What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.

When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.

Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.

What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”

- Max Eastman.

At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"

Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back

If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?

"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"

Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.

There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.

Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.

What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.

Let’s put our tulips together.

Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.

What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

So … do you run here often?

The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.

What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.

"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.

What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.