There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
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