“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Go to BabaMail
