Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.

My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.

30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter

What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.

What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.

Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.

Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.

I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.

Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."

Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.

Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out

"Over-easy like Sunday morning."

What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.

How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.

"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."

What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.

I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.

"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow

How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.

"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."

- Oscar Levant

Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?

What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.

I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.

What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!

Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?

How to cars convince you?

By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’

Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.

I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you

What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.