The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
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