Cell phones are a static symbol.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Tropic like it's hot.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
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