At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Go to BabaMail
