If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Yoda one for me!
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
We make a great pear
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
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