Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Can I be Candide with you?
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Are you a model?
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
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