I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
I can get you off the Naughty List.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Fresh French fried fly fritters
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
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