Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Don't get tide down.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
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