Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Rudder valve reversals
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
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