My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
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